A Prayer for Those Who Choose Suicide
Mighty LORD, we cry out to You with our fear and confusion. With our anger and our rage, our sporadic bursts of tears, with our numb silence, and in the hugs that we cling to as if letting go were to be letting go our only sense of gravity. We cry, God, and we sit in our confusion and get frustrated that we do not understand. We fear that there may not be anything we can understand. We cannot control our world, or the people we love. And when they hurt, God, we hurt with them. We wish so badly that it was us that reigned sovereign, God. We wish we could take the hurt and replace it with something, anything else. That we could stop them from hurting themselves. We cannot. We are limited, God, by our nature. We are but parts, pieces of the whole, single members of a vast body. In our smallness, LORD, we cannot reign. Instead, You call us to presence and community. When one hurts, we all hurt. When one mourns, we all mourn. When one feels so removed from You that no blessings are in sight, we all feel the creeping of a cold distance between what life is and what life might have been. You call us to sit in the hurt and feel it, God. And it rips at us, and we curse our hearts and the people who hurt us and the ways we feel weak and powerless and incapable and childlike even though we know what it is like to not feel those things. We know what it feels like to have an illusion of control, and when we find our control smashed to pieces we mourn for ourselves just as we mourn our hurting Body. Forgive us, LORD, we know not what we do. Be our savior, forgive us our sins, let us rest upon Your firm foundation, shoulder our tears, hear our anger, fill us when we are emptied. Love us, God, now in our most raw, to remind us that we are not ever alone.
God, You are not merely loving. You are Love. And in Your Love, You call us to blessings and curses, life and death. Sometimes, God, we choose wrong. You have promised abundant life, yet we still see a flattened, dull, nothingness. Why must we see such beauty and joy and fullness when there exists the mere possibility that those might be torn from us? Why are we given the choices of cursing and death, O LORD? You know our smallness. You know how limited we are. We do not know control or wisdom, yet You allow us to walk this path of discernment. We are merely broken pieces, yet we are teased with a full picture. Why? Why does our loving God give us death as an option? Why? Our God promises life, but the resurrection of the soul requires death. Why? Why?
When there is nothing, God, give us at least the promise of Creation. When the dark is all encompassing, remind us of at least the chance for light. When, because some of our parts cannot see You and therefore we cannot see You, remind us to see the places where at least You have been. Connect our confusion, our rage, our frustration, our fear, our numbing flatness to others. Give us rest in each other, God; we the weary are not meant to bear this alone.
We have nothing more to offer. We are spent and emptied. Our exhaustion carries from our hearts into our minds and bodies. So reign over us again, we have nothing left. Amen.
January 25, 2017
December 18, 2015
June 30, 2015